I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six