Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
You Might Also Like
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
This is amazing.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Nice try Hitler
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.