I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?