December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
podcasts
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.