Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that