me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.