So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course