What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother