don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE