Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
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gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.