I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.