If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point