Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.