Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Hard not to take this personally
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.