Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars