No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font