[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Omg 🤣
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]