Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
whatcha thinkin bout
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.