*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
A completely valid reaction tbh
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*lint rolls you awake*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS