Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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True freaking story!
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.