[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support