Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Don’t talk down to me
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.