has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
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Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive