I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
why I oughta
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again