If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith