Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
cyclists
for all #parents out there
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.