If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Thinking about Jeff
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!