[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Who says great literature is dead?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?