Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…