the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Goodnight 🐶
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.