Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September