Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
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I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
For the baby who has everything
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!