me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
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i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
remember
only for emergencies
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you