“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
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Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket