Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Seas the day!!!!
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.