The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!