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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Hero horse inspires millions
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Boating season is upon us.
My sex drive has a dui
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?