How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from