Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x