[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
there’s probably a fee though
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks