Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Life cycle of cat
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?