Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Ha.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
i’m still crying at this
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
The three genders.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.