How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
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In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone