STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
there has never been a better use of this meme
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean