October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
the simulation is moving too fast
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK