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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.