A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal