Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
You Might Also Like
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
As the Lord intended
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I have many caverns
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.