Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Come back with a warrant
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…