Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
The future is now.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.